I can still hear him loud and clear.

My father was well known for using this expression, “El hubiera no existe.”  Basically, it translates to more or less:  forget about the “what-ifs” or the “should’ves” because they don’t exist.  He used to get aggravated if any of us seven kids would whine saying “I should’ve done THIS” or “I should have done THAT!!”

This year, on the night of the 24th during the Farrolito Walk on Canyon Road, I had a moment I keep going back to with the “I should’ve…”.  Everyone was in the holiday spirit. The weather was beautiful – not too cold but with enough of a chilly bite in the air so that it felt like Christmas.  The merry spirit of Noel with the “I love you’s, you love me’s, let’s be cheery was in the air floating through the sculptures of Canyon Rd. While we were strolling with a group of friends, I saw out of the corner of my eye a stalled couple.  It was hard to discern what was happening but it appeared that she was fainting. Like the Good Samaritan I think I am, I rushed over to see how I could help them.  The man had managed to get her to sit on the cold sidewalk and was hovering over her.  I asked him what was wrong and how I could help.  He was curt with me and answered back that there were too many people and that she was confused.  I immediately felt this need to leave them alone and give them some privacy.  Strangely enough I turned around and walked away from the couple.

I re-joined my friends who were enjoying the evening so that we could continue walking through Canyon Road. We were quickly submerged into the crowd and I no longer could see the couple.

My reaction has been haunting me since then!  What was I thinking?  What happened to the woman?  Was she okay?  Did they really need help but were too shy to ask for it?  Why did I leave?! I SHOULD have stayed. I SHOULD have tried to help him. I SHOULD have found someone else to help if they didn’t want my help. I SHOULD’VE, I SHOULD’VE , I SHOULD’VE!  But it’s too late.  Like my father used to say, “El hubiera no existe.”  Although it makes sense – I shouldn’t dwell.  It’s over.  It’s past. I still feel guilty. My father would not have been proud of me. In my head I explain to my dad, “I’m sorry. I’m generally more assertive!” Something did lead me to believe that the woman needed privacy.

This year I didn’t make any New Year’s Resolutions. No diets. No exotic trips. No “re”designing myself.  However, after my encounter on Canyon Road, I do have one focus for the year 2018: I AM GOING TO TRY TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT ANY “I SHOULD’VES.” This year will be about action and no regret.  Let’s do it!

 

I would love to hear from you….write me at guada755@outlook.comt

Back in the 60’s when I was a little girl… ahem, a VERY little “girl,” my parents used to send us to spend our summer breaks in Mexico City where my aunt lived. My two sisters and I were put on the night train so that by morning, we would be in the city. We could hardly sleep through the night. The excitement of going to the city was too grand to get any rest! As we lay on our bed on the train, we would periodically peek out the window- but it was always pitch black. Eventually sleep would find us in the wee hours of the morning and we would wake up with the extreme halt of the train, finding ourselves in the gigantic city.  My Aunt Carmen would be there to receive us.  Year after year, the excitement would always be the same. We knew that she would take us to museums, the state fair which had the biggest roller coaster I had ever experienced, and we would also get to spend weekends in Cuernavaca.  It was way better than staying at home!

My sisters and I were on our BEST behavior. If we started becoming difficult to manage during our visit, we knew that our chances to stay longer would decrease.  My Aunt Carmen lived with her husband, Clemente, and their daughter, Tete. I can understand now that they lived a middle-upper class life and lived in a middle-upper class apartment in Mexico City. But as it is usual in a big city, the apartment was not very big so we were all in each other’s way.  In order to accommodate us, we would have to sleep in the living room which was perfectly exciting and fun for my sisters and me.

My Uncle Clemente was a writer and most of his life he wrote radio novels. You know radio novels were big time before TV, before Netflix, before podcasts! One of his famous characters was  Kaliman… Google him! Every day we would wake up with my Uncle Clemente blasting opera music. He would say that the music would stimulate his creativity and imagination. He was a massive chain smoker so there would be ash trays all over the house mostly filled with half smoked cigarettes. He would go into a different dimension when he would write.  We didn’t exist for him during this time, his mind full of scenes and dialogues. My sisters and I wouldn’t mind waking up with Maria Callas in our ear.  To us it reminded us that we were in the big city and that’s all that mattered. We would awaken in the room full of cigarette smoke and we’d quietly get up trying to stay out of his way as he paced up and down through the apartment. The floors were made out of wood so we would tiptoe quietly to a part of the apartment where we would not disturb him.

I wish he was still alive.  Now as an adult I can see that he was brilliant with his creativity and very smart, savvy.  He didn’t care what people thought of his eccentric ways.  He just did what he knew best to do- write! I never told him how these summers around him influenced me, how they inspired curiosity in the artistic process, appreciation for the eccentric and the adoration for the imagination.

We as human beings are a product of our childhood. If you come into the store, you can see me pacing up and down the store blocking out everything around me as I’m narrating my thoughts and emotions to one of my colleagues as she types furiously to catch up with my thoughts.

Who was that person in your life that inadvertently made you who you are?

Write me!  Guada755@outlook.com